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A Chilly Chili Day
(Artwork coming soon)
A big, fat good morning to you sinners from a big, fat vice man! Hope you're all keeping your fingers warm on your smoke breaks. Cuz it's COLD!
Smoky's lighter is still nowhere to be seen, but he's starting to feel better about it now because it's MOTHERFUCKING CHILI SEASON! And the cold weather outside makes it taste that much better. As a big eater both in appearance and appetite, you might wonder if I know where the best chili in West Herd City is. The answer is on my stove, but I don't think there's enough room in my apartment kitchen for all our fans! Ha ha ha! I'm getting up there in years (47! Damn!) so I think it's time to reveal my mom's signature chili recipe. This puppy won twenty awards back in the '80s. It's THAT good!
Chili is one of West Herd's tastiest local specialties. So if you've never had a local bowl, plan a road trip, pronto. Every diner in town has its own variety, and the uglier the diner, the tastier the chow. There's companies out there that claim to have figured out a way to bottle it... but it's always runny and tastes like ass. Nobody wants to eat a bowl of salty scat.
What separates West Herd chili from all the other chili in the world are its not-so-secret secret ingredients: hot honey and a pinch of cloves. Here's a funny story: Winston once attempted to make the recipe without the cloves because he usually hates them. It turned out like some sort of uncanny valley chili. He took off his sunglasses because he was so disturbed. Never seen him take them off before or after that, actually. Does he sleep with them on? Questions! Questions!
Anyhow, here's my mom's chili, straight from the heart of West Herd. Miss you lots, Mom!
IngredientsButter (for browning)
1 lb ground beef
1 white onion, chopped (this is about 1 pound of onion)
2 cloves minced garlic
1 can diced tomatoes (I like to use the one with hatch chilis added!)
1 14oz can tomato sauce
2 tbsp chili powder
1 teaspoon cumin
1 tsp smoked paprika
1 tsp cayenne
1/4 tsp cloves
1/2 cup hot honey
How to cook
1. Brown meat in some butter. DO NOT REMOVE GREASE JUST YET! You'll need it!
2. Cook onion and garlic in the same pan for 5 minutes.
3. Drain fat and grease.
4. Stir diced tomatoes (with juices) and tomato sauce into beef and onions.
5. Add all spices, stir, and simmer for a little under 2 hours, stirring occasionally. Be careful not to use too high of heat or too much liquid will evaporate!
6. Stir in hot honey until melted and simmer 30 more minutes.
Hope you all enjoy the grub! It's so spicy it'll put hairs on your chest, though not as much as this weather will.
Peace, Love, and Smokes! (And chili!) <333
A Visit to Runner Theater
Good morning, sinners. Or "Good afternoon," if you neglected to check the blog this morning for its weekly update. And, if it's "Good evening," then you are a creature of the night, just like we are. Commendable, in a way.
The frigid temperatures in West Herd are something of legend this year. Smoky's assessment in the previous entry, though brutish, has proven one hundred percent correct. It is too damn cold. Amusingly, Ash is rather excited about the whole thing, because the weather has made his chest fur thicker than normal, giving him a masculine look that suits him quite well. And Lucky, though he keeps most of his fur untrimmed and shaggy at all times, is equally excited about the increase in its volume. He calls it "extra hairy chest time." Who am I to deny a man like that of such joy? It almost makes me want to cease trimming my own fur for a week. Almost...
Smoky's lighter remains absent. We were hoping that our return to our favorite historic-building-turned-indie-music-venue, Runner Theater, would yield fruit, but alas! Only a handful of ordinary disposable lighters lay under the weathered auditorium benches, and the greenroom was cleaned well enough where you could have safely eaten off every surface. We will have to continue the search elsewhere.
Speaking of Runner Theater, we were all impressed by the lineup of fresh talent for next month's concerts. Mary Contrary in particular seems to have made quite a few misfits into her willing slaves. Rumor is she is using her surge of income to restore the Theater's decades-defunct movie screen to add visual effects to her already impressive performances. Perhaps the Theater will take a cue from its distant past and show indie films in between concerts. In any case, The Vice Men are all eager to see what happens next. Indies support indies.
Hm! I think it is time for my midnight Poshy smoke. The burn will hit just right after such a long day.
Remember: mind your habits, but stay smokin'.
I want a Ricky. Where's my lighter?
What's happening sinners? Smoky Smooth again. Feels like just yesterday when I wrote the first entry. Instead it's been a whole fucking month. Bravo me! I've lost track of time again.
You know what else I lost? My lucky lighter. Those of you who followed us on SandDune will know exactly which one I'm talking about: the 100th anniversary Richard's Desertweed Cigarettes flip-top with the 24k gold accents that I won in the sweepstakes a decade ago. (Fuck me I'm old) I don't use it much because I'm always afraid of losing it. But I had it on me when we were doing some setup for our mini tour and haven't seen it since. Is it bad luck to lose a lucky lighter? Probably. I don't know. You make your own luck. Still, I'm attached to the damn thing.
There's no time with everything we have going on for the band to retrace our steps so we'll just have to keep an eye (or ten) out as we go about our business. If you're a West Herd City local and you happen to find my lighter there's a cash reward in it for you. Let us know where you found it by sending us a message. We'll arrange a way for you to get it to us safely. DO NOT SEND IT TO THE FAN MAIL PO BOX. The post office says NO BUTANE (even though they've got a Poshy Cigarettes decal on the front window???) and I know for sure that lighter's loaded.
Oh and don't post it up as an internet auction either because we already have saved searches active on several sites. We're watching you! (LOL)
Geezus I'm grumbling a lot today. That's not what I want the vibe of this blog to be and I apologize. Unfortunately there isn't much in the way of band news right now. Turtle Soup is acting like a business. We're arranging things for this year's first mini-tour. The weather is below twenty degrees every day and it's too damn cold. And on top of it all I keep having to bum lighters off of the boys. I guess that part's not bad. Except for when I have to borrow Winston's lighter. He has greasy-ass hands. No idea how he manages all that climbing. (LOL)
Well I feel like a total crabapple. Hopefully Piper will have a nicer entry than mine next week.
Stay Smokin'!
high
hey sinners. winston goodman here with a few thoughts.
did you ever climb a tree when you were a kid? even if you were only on the lowest limb you gained a new point of view. you got to look down on things instead of seeing them from eye level. its a small thing i guess but i think theres a metaphor there thats pretty profound.
the truth is that some of us never outgrow climbing trees. or at least you dont outgrow them by age 42 ha ha ha. i know im an odd duck scampering up anything that will still hold my weight even as I enter a potbellied middle age state. but as ive grown older my love of climbing has matured with me. its no longer enough for me to sit on the lowest limb or get to the top of an apple tree. i always need to go bigger. palm trees. old growth redwoods. skyscrapers if i can sneak up them without the fuzz noticing. what can i say? Im hungry for high.
and i think that can be said about my music too. when I first picked up guitar i was twelve and just wanted to be able to play a few chords to write sad songs to. then i hit high school and thought about joining a band. by nineteen i was busking in west herd. a few years into that i joined the vice men and bought my first electric guitar and the rest is history.
that was about half my life ago. i wasnt much older than 22. we see a lot of faces at our shows that are hovering around that age. if youre one of them then heres some life advice from an old fart.
some people think that once you hit 21 youre an adult and thats that. thats what the law says right? but if you want my honest truth even i still feel like im growing up. no matter if its at the top of a palm tree or on stage at a new venue im always getting new perspectives. and i think being hungry for going higher is a good way to go about life. I mean can you imagine if nothing had changed from 20 years ago? poor ash and lucky would still be closeted and single and id still be trying to come up with a way to make an acoustic guitar scream without a speaker. not smart past me! it just doesnt work!
so if you feel like youre not done growing up its ok! youll finish when youre dead and thats just fine. if anyone tries to tell you otherwise let them know you have winston goodmans personal permission.
until next time. stay smokin!
Happy 2026!
Piper: Psst, Smoky. Who's the girl?
Smoky: Girl?
Piper: Red hair, far right. Who is that?
Smoky: How should I know? I'm not even in this picture.
Ash: Oh, that's just PJ. You don't have to worry about her. She's cool.
Winston: Yep, she's a good'un, but it's not time to meet her yet. She'll show up in a future installment.
Lucky: She's just your type, Smoky. Bet you can't wait to meet her.
Smoky: What the hell is going on?
Lucky: Wa ha ha! Don't worry about it! Just relax and enjoy the holiday. We'll explain everything later. Want a Ricky?
Smoky: Always.
Lucky: Here ya go, sexy. And for all of our newest sinners out there... we can't wait for you to meet Winston on Friday morning!
Winston: Wait, was I supposed to write something? Shit.
Piper: Maybe that should be your New Year's resolution: write your schedule down.
Winston: Guess so. Ha ha!
Ash: Ya know, that picture up top makes me realize that we haven't played cards all year. Who wants to make the first bet?
Smoky: What are we betting? Smokes? Or something with more oomph?
Ash: I'll tell you after we conclude the post. Hint, hint.
Smoky: Solid idea. Happy New Year's, sinners! We've got lots planned for 2026, so stay smokin'... cuz we'll be back real soon.
Next Month
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